Saturday, 20 October 2007

Unwanted Pregnancy??

Unexpectedly pregnant, but the time's not right?

Maybe you wanted to wait til you were married, maybe you feel you have enough children already, maybe you didn't want to have children at all, maybe you just wanted some time for you & your new husband with no further intrusions. The reason doesn't really matter - you just know that you are angry, disappointed, frustrated, confused, perhaps even guilty & you have a right to be - they are all relevant emotions under the circumstances, because you DON'T
feel OK about having an abortion.

So what DO you do?

1. First of all, it's important to allow yourself to actually FEEL those emotions. If you pretend they're not there & you submerge them, they WILL resurface at an inopportune time & someone will be hurt.

2. Next, find someone not involved, whom you trust, to talk over what you're feeling - preferably a professional therapist or counsellor, & include your partner at some point. It's important to get everything out in the open where it can be explored thoroughly. If you don't, the baby will suffer.

* * I realise it may be difficult for you to consider the matter from the baby's perspective right now, but if you decide to actually KEEP this baby, then that is what is most relevant & that is, in fact, where I am coming from.

I believe (because there now seems to be evidence to corroborate it), that a baby senses its mother's state of mind, even before it's born. So, if he (using the masculine for ease of expression) comes into the world, knowing already that he's not really wanted, what effect will this have on his development? Probably one of two things, the first of which is my personal experience & so it deeply concerns me. In either case, the child will feel he is inferior in some way or otherwise his mother WOULD want him.

In the first case scenario, he'll be as good a child as he can possibly be, hoping that eventually he'll be good enough to be wanted & loved. Of course, it never happens, because the child's behaviour has nothing to do with the mother's initial feelings. He'll grow up trying to please EVERYONE but himself & he'll be terrified to put a foot wrong. He'll have no confidence in himself & be timid & shy, or else he'll adopt a front that he's coping & all is well, when he's really quite anxious below the surface. Either way, he won't have a healthy emotional development, he won't reach his unique potential & probably at mid-life (if not before) he'll experience a psychological break-down of some kind. If he's married by now, he may have married for unsustainable reasons, so his partner will suffer, as will any children, who may be emotionally traumatised & need counselling themselves.

All this could eventuate because the parents have not come to terms with their OWN feelings about an unwanted pregnancy and/or have not considered how that could affect the child.

I'll discuss the second scenario at a later date.