Whose Needs are you Meeting?

That's the BIG QUESTION parents need to ask themselves -

As a parent, WHOSE NEEDS ARE YOU REALLY MEETING, your child's or your own??

I was NOT a successful parent!

Why?

Because I had unmet childhood needs for affection & acceptance that had not been met..........& I DID NOT KNOW IT!!

So I still subconsciously WANTED those needs to BE met - BUT - I was an adult by then - in years, but unfortunately not emotionally. I couldn't go back and if I had been able to, who would have met those needs anyhow?

So what did I do - WITHOUT REALISING IT?

I EXPECTED MY HUSBAND TO MEET THOSE NEEDS! But he was my husband, not my parent, so that didn't happen & I became more & more frustrated & angry.

Then I began to expect it from my CHILDREN! I was living vicariously through my CHILDREN, expecting THEM to succeed for ME!

HOW UNFAIR TO MY CHILDREN!!

But still I was unaware of what I was doing. All I knew was that I was becoming more & more frustrated. You see, I'd buried my needs & pretended I was OK for so long, I'd even fooled myself.

Perhaps YOU can relate to what I've been saying - are YOU an angry person & you don't know why?

Think back to your childhood - was it happy, fulfilled? Or was there something missing & subconsciously you're still longing for that "something", desperately wanting someone to fill that need, & becoming more & more frustrated because it isn't happening? And are you taking it out on those you love?

It took me a divorce & 6 years of therapy to uncover & come to terms with MY unmet childhood needs. I trust that by reading this, YOU might become aware far more quickly - hopefully before too much damage occurs - saving you time, effort & a great deal of hurt.

However, you WILL still need assistance as you work through your issues, so DON'T DELAY, don't sweep them under the carpet - I CAME OUT THE OTHER SIDE A MUCH STRONGER, EMOTIONALLY HEALTHIER PERSON & SO CAN YOU!

Unwanted Pregnancy?? (cont.)

I spent my entire childhood trying to be "good enough" to be accepted & loved.

Of course, if my parents had realised this, they could have made a concerted effort to show me, by word & deed, that they did in fact love me, for even though my mother had not wanted to be pregnant with me so soon, somewhere along the line the anger became meaningless. In other words, there WAS a way to set things right.

HOWEVER, neither of my parents were liberal with hugs & kisses & I don't EVER remember being TOLD I was loved. They just EXPECTED me to KNOW!! When I finally plucked up enough courage (in my mid-forties!) to ask them, my mother, absolutely amazed, immediately threw her arms around me & said:" Why on earth would you think that we didn't LOVE you?" My response was, " Because you've never told me!"

That was an enormous step in my journey to freedom!

But what about the 2nd scenario? On the one hand, we have a child desperately trying to be "good enough" to be wanted & loved, on the other hand, the child who can see that that isn't working, may get sick & tired of trying & yet still crave attention & recognition. And so he rebels & does everything he can to ANNOY his parents, because negative attention is better than none at all. If they don't realise what is happening & why, & work to remedy the situation, it will only escalate as the child gets older & learns more sophisticated methods. This path could even lead to a life of crime .....................

Aren't we complex beings? And what a tremendous responsibility parenting entails!!

The answer is to thoroughly work through your own emotional issues as early as possible, so that the next generation will not be burdened by them.

Unwanted Pregnancy??

Unexpectedly pregnant, but the time's not right?


Maybe you wanted to wait til you were married, maybe you feel you have enough children already, maybe you didn't want to have children at all, maybe you just wanted some time for you & your new husband with no further intrusions. The reason doesn't really matter - you just know that you are angry, disappointed, frustrated, confused, perhaps even guilty & you have a right to be - they are all relevant emotions under the circumstances, because you DON'T
feel OK about having an abortion.


So what DO you do?

1. First of all, it's important to allow yourself to actually FEEL those emotions. If you pretend they're not there & you submerge them, they WILL resurface at an inopportune time & someone will be hurt.

2. Next, find someone not involved, whom you trust, to talk over what you're feeling - preferably a professional therapist or counsellor, & include your partner at some point. It's important to get everything out in the open where it can be explored thoroughly. If you don't, the baby will suffer.


* * I realise it may be difficult for you to consider the matter from the baby's perspective right now, but if you decide to actually KEEP this baby, then that is what is most relevant & that is, in fact, where I am coming from.



I believe (because there now seems to be evidence to corroborate it), that a baby senses its mother's state of mind, even before it's born. So, if he (using the masculine for ease of expression) comes into the world, knowing already that he's not really wanted, what effect will this have on his development? Probably one of two things, the first of which is my personal experience & so it deeply concerns me. In either case, the child will feel he is inferior in some way or otherwise his mother WOULD want him.



In the first case scenario, he'll be as good a child as he can possibly be, hoping that eventually he'll be good enough to be wanted & loved. Of course, it never happens, because the child's behaviour has nothing to do with the mother's initial feelings. He'll grow up trying to please EVERYONE but himself & he'll be terrified to put a foot wrong. He'll have no confidence in himself & be timid & shy, or else he'll adopt a front that he's coping & all is well, when he's really quite anxious below the surface. Either way, he won't have a healthy emotional development, he won't reach his unique potential & probably at mid-life (if not before) he'll experience a psychological break-down of some kind. If he's married by now, he may have married for unsustainable reasons, so his partner will suffer, as will any children, who may be emotionally traumatised & need counselling themselves.



All this could eventuate because the parents have not come to terms with their OWN feelings about an unwanted pregnancy and/or have not considered how that could affect the child.



I'll discuss the second scenario at a later date.